Issues & Insights

Headlines We’re Never Going To See In Our Lifetime

They say that fiction writers have it tough these days because no matter how imaginative they try to be, tomorrow’s headlines will top whatever they come up with today. We politely disagree. There are some headlines that we are 100% certain will never appear in print or online in any “mainstream” publication. Here’s a sampling. Feel free to use the comment section below to suggest others we missed. We’ll post the ones we agree will never see the light of day.

“Scientists Blame Climate Crisis For Unusually Mild Weather

Washington Post Wins Pulitzer for Exposing Biden Corruption

Transgender Woman Charged With Hate Crime in Men’s Room Mass Shooting

Sloth and Gluttony Added to Months Celebrating Cardinal Sins

D.C. Memorial to 45th and 47th President Set to Open Next Week

Berkeley Suspends Students for Disrupting Conservative Speaker

“Teachers Union Announces It Will No Longer Donate to Political Candidates

MSNBC Documentary About EVs — ‘Rape of the Planet’ — To Air Next Week

Democrats Realize They’ve Been Using The Word ‘Fascist’ Wrong For Decades

Latest Star Wars Trilogy Voted Better Than Original

New York’s High Taxes, Crime Cause Massive Influx of Citizens

After Lifetime of Public Service, Senator Retires With Modest Wealth

Big Tech Firms Denounce Censorship, Vow Never to Work With Gov’t Again

Bullet Train from L.A. to San Francisco Opens

“Eight Cabinet Agencies Shuttered After Audit Finds Them Useless

Why Is The Mainstream Media So Fixated on Democratic Scandals?

5 Years Later: ‘Net Neutrality’ Zealots Admit They Were Entirely Wrong About Everything

Time Needed to File Federal Income Taxes Dips Below 30 Minutes”

After Drifting Leftward for Years, Drudge Rediscovers Conservative Roots

“God Gets Most Number of Thanks At Oscars”

Meanwhile, here are some headlines that we just might see someday.

L.A. Bans Use of Sidewalks by Pedestrians After Homeless Complain About Traffic

“In Science Breakthrough, Coal-Powered Fans to Circulate Air For Wind Turbines

NFL Promises Next Super Bowl Will Feature Better Ads

San Francisco Converts Downtown to World’s Largest Water Park

Electric Grid Fails Stranding Millions of Drivers

Math-Fluid Group Demands ‘≃’ Get Added to LGB Acronym”

If you have others to suggest in either category, feel free to submit them using the comments section below. We’ll post the ones we like.

— Written by the I&I Editorial Board

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I & I Editorial Board

The Issues and Insights Editorial Board has decades of experience in journalism, commentary and public policy.


  • Trump first President since Reagan to be proved right 90% of the time”

  • Davos suffers extreme snow-melt after all the jets arrive for World Economic Forum meeting.

    Climate scientists admit that building houses too close to the oceans leads to massive flooding from hurricanes.

    Joe Biden admits to telling his first-ever lie while speaking to the press. He then blames Kamala Harris for he lie.

  • Hillary Clinton moves into new home, just down the hall from Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

  • May I fix one of your headlines? After the Pulitzer Award, add the evergreen punchline. “Women and minorities hardest hit.”

  • The Stop Fat Shaming People are working for Gluttony to have it’s own celebratory month.

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