WASHINGTON, June 31, 2022 — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Frisco, is readying new articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, Issues & Insights has learned.**
“Sixteen months is too long to go between Trump impeachments,” she told her Democratic caucus in a secret meeting secretly recorded by I&I investigators. She said that despite her previous claim that Trump had been “impeached forever,” she now believes that the effectiveness of a Trump impeachment is only about as long-lasting as a COVID vaccine.
She noted that the House had waited until 13 months between the first and second impeachment efforts, only to have both fail. “We should have started on this impeachment business before Trump was even sworn in,” she said.
The meeting came as the televised hearings about the Jan. 6 incursion into the Capitol building are put on pause. Viewership of the televised hearings has plunged to the point that reruns of “F Troop” are now beating them in the ratings.
When asked about the public’s disinterest in the hearings, Pelosi urged her fellow Democrats to not “let distractions like skyrocketing prices, chronic shortages, rising crime, the border crisis, or Biden’s dementia distract us from doing the important work the people sent us here to do, which is to impeach Donald Trump again and again and again until we make sure that he can never, ever, never-ever-ever, infinity, hold elective office again.”
She promised to do everything in her power to track down the two traitorous Democrats who told a Politico reporter “nobody gives a bleep about Jan. 6.”
Pelosi went on to complain that the mainstream media hasn’t been doing nearly enough to attack Trump. “24/7 negative Trump coverage just doesn’t cut it anymore,” she said.
She was particularly irate about an NPR item that ran on Tuesday, which focused on how voters in a Virginia swing district want Congress to focus on their economic plight, not the fact that several morons decided to rampage the Capitol more than a year and a half ago. The NPR story quoted one woman saying that Congress should “just move on to something else.”
“Move on?!?!? Move one?!?!?,” Pelosi can be heard shouting on the I&I recording. “What the hell are we paying those NPR people for, anyway!?!?”
She also took aim at the recent I&I/TIPP poll showing that fewer than half of adults (44%) think the Jan. 6 hearings are about uncovering the truth, saying the article clearly violated Google’s rules because it was, in her words, “dangerous and derogatory” content.
Pelosi told her colleagues to ignore a separate Morning Consult poll, which found that, despite the days of televised committee hearings and wall-to-wall press coverage, fewer people say Trump was responsible for the Jan. 6 events today than did so in January 2021.
“This is clear evidence of the vast right-wing conspiracy,” she told the attendees, who included top Democrats in the House and Senate, including Reps. Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger.
Among the articles of impeachment that Pelosi said the House would soon introduce is a claim that Trump committed an impeachable offense through his overaggressive defense during the previous two impeachment attempts.
Another will accuse Trump of sedition because he refused to slink away into the night after “losing” the last election and instead had the temerity to attend public rallies, endorse candidates, and criticize the current president.
Pelosi said they will also allege that Trump committed a high crime by manipulating the public to such an extent that his approval ratings are now better than President Joe Biden’s.
“That’s not possible,” she said. “Joe has done a masterful handling of the COVID pandemic – keeping deaths to only 600,000 on his watch. His fight for the right of male athletes to compete in women’s sports and go to women’s prisons is a huge win for women’s rights. And don’t forget his eagerness to blame inflation on Vladimir Putin and corporate greed.”
Pelosi concluded by reminding Democrats that there’s a bigger issue at stake than just impeaching Trump before Democrats lose control of the House and Senate in the mid-term elections.
“Trump and all his supporters are a cancer infecting the nation and must be eradicated with extreme prejudice,” she said. “As the party of open-mindedness, love, inclusiveness, and toleration, we can’t let these sub-humans continue to poison this nation and threaten our democracy with treasonous ideas like limited government and individual liberty.”
* Editor’s Note: This is a parody, although we wouldn’t be at all surprised if Nancy Pelosi has been imagining this exact scenario. Nor would we be surprised if this article gets labeled “pants on fire” false by media “fact-checkers” and labeled “harmful” by Google.
** See above.
— Written by the I&I Editorial Board